A Sporking of the Synopsis of the News About Fifty Shades on a Fansite

And now, more super sporking funtimes with latersbaby.net! This time, they have a synopsis of the news, which is really their way of pointing the finger at all us haters to try and make us feel bad about hating on their books and probably ourselves. Because all haters are really just in denial and just hate everything for the sake of it rather that participate in critique and analysis, right?

Here we go…

Everyday I read articles about Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s been interesting!  I do NOT post most of what I read,

Because God forbid we have a balanced critique of Fifty Shades of Grey. That or you’re in deep denial still about the horrible views on relationships and themes of domestic violence and misogyny it espouses.

it’s either repetitive, boring, or just plain old bad writing.  

Oh, the irony! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a good one! Trust me, I’ve read the books and I’ve sporked enough of your stuff to realise that you all need a little help with your grammar, so don’t talk down to me about bad writing! (Okay, I’m not perfect, but I will admit to mistakes).

Some articles I walk away from mad and insulted,

How dare those Feminists have an honest and articulate opinion about the books and point out the obvious allusions to domestic violence by  examining passages straight from the novels!

others shaking my head, sometimes laughing.  

Just like the ones I read in some other reviews…

But sometimes the comments are the most interesting.  I thought I would share some of the highlights of what I have read, purely off the top of my head.

Just purely off the top of your head? As opposed to what, the small of your back?

Fifty shades of Grey is smut, porn, erotic, a love story, a manual on sex.  It teaches woman to be submissive and allow men to control them.  Stalking is ok.  Woman are dumb for reading this either because the writing is so bad or because the story is so bad.

Wait, is this the comment itself that you said you’ve stumbled upon, or are you just relaying what you’ve read in your own words? If it’s the latter, that’s not particularly fair, as it gives you the chance to twist other people’s words and stereotype the ‘haters’ as nothing but a bunch of whingers and Feminists. Either show us the comments that have pissed you off and link us to them or don’t bother complaining at all without the actual evidence.

It just sounds like you’re just parroting out generic things you’ve heard in and around the net about the books. The real problem we ‘haters’ have with the books is not that it’s ‘porn’ or ‘smut.’ Trust me, I’ve seen 14 year old Rydon fans write better smut than this. Only a minority of conservatives seem to have made that complaint.

The very reason we hate it is that it does allow the female lead to be controlled by the male lead because he manipulates her, tracks her every movement and wears her down until he has her insecurities right in the palm of his hand. It does teach women to be submissive, not in the BDSM sense but in everyday life because Ana can’t make a move without fearing Christian’s wrath and has no aspirations outside of him, almost collapsing in on herself after she leaves him at the end of the first book and lives out her identity all through him and only him. Plus, tracking someone’s phone and hacking into their personal records and bank account periodically is stalking and James thinks it is okay because she never has Ana think otherwise!

And the women in particular who are dumb for reading this are those who refuse to see all the overt references to misogyny and domestic violence and accuse those who don’t like these books or criticise them as nothing but ‘haters,’ the ones who eat up what the media tell them to when they say that this crap is ‘liberating’ and ironically accepting the same misogyny as they insult older women in the process by insultingly referring to this books as ‘mummy porn’ believing sexual desire should have a limit and is now glorified as some cute little novelty for women (because we shouldn’t be thinking about sex, how unclean!), and, worst of all, think that such misogyny and abhorrent treatment exhibited by Christian and Ana in their relationship (rampant jealously, emotional manipulation, control, dubious consent, lack of privacy, entrapment and so forth) are acceptable.

That is why we ‘haters’ complain.

Oh, and some have said it objectifies men too.  My head is spinning!

Well, women only seem to count Christian’s looks and wealth as his only redeeming qualities and every woman throughout the books seem to cream himself in his very presence. Other than that, what actual semblance of personality does he have?

The writing makes Stephanie Meyer’s writing look good.

It also makes one of my primary school favourites, Butch on the Farm, about a little brown dog who visits a farm, seem Pulitzer-worthy. And even Stephenie knew when to restrain herself and form some kind of plot until it all went to shit by Breaking Dawn (even though I gave up halfway through New Moon). At least she came up with her own idea instead of ripping off someone else’s work and marketing it as her own by filing off the serial numbers…

Which leads me to:

But ironically another article analyzed the writing and found it was an 89% copy of Twilight.

What she’s referring to is this link. And it wasn’t a copy of Twilight they analysed, you clod, it was a copy of the Master of the Universe fanfic the Fifty Shades series is based off that James barely made any changes to and was a fanfic about Edward and Bella and other assorted characters from the Twilight  series James did a ‘find-and-replace’ on the names of.

Now who’s getting her news wrong? Remember what I said about citing actual comments you read instead of twisting our words?

Feminists think we’re taking a step back – allowing a much older man take advantage of a young woman.  Gosh, my Dad is 7 years older then than my mother, what does that say about my Mom?  HE has a Red Room of Pain, never mind that SHE named it that and he never thought of it that way.

Much older man? Ana is 22, Christian is 27, that’s the same age difference between me and my younger brother. Five years. That’s not an age difference, that’s the little gap you make with your fingers when you try to prove something was only tiny. It’s that, exactly that. The only person who made a big deal about age in these books was Ana because anyone over the age of 30 is suddenly decrepit and about to turn to ash. Elena, Mrs Jones, Grace, all old leathery bags who should be put out to pasture! Funny how Ana never made as big a deal about the men in the story being old… (because they’re never a sexual or social threat, of course!).

Plus, as I’ve heard some say, it would have been best if James had depicted Christian as in his 50s or 60s instead because she tries too hard to tread the line between old-world weariness and youthful vitality.

Kim Kardashian can read, but has only flipped through the books.  I think this is important since Kim Kardashaian and Fifty Shades of Grey in one article will drive a lot of traffic to your site.

Wow, so you’re doing SEO on your site? And I never actually heard this story about K-Dash. But if even she can’t be fucked to give a shit about these books, then it’s the smartest thing she’s managed to do yet.

Ian Somerhalder has actually started reading the books and is still interested in playing Christian.  Nina Debrov hasn’t ruled out playing Ana, but doesn’t think she should be playing opposite Ian.  Ryan Seacrest is enjoying the books.  I wonder if he’ll find a way to get himself into the movies as a cameo role?

I think Ian Somerhalder said in passing that he was interested in the role, but was never confirmed, it’s only speculation. And there were only rumours about Nina Dobrev being interested in the role of Ana, but that was only speculation as well. I heard about the Ryan Seacrest thing as well, he actually thought they were good ‘manuals’ for understanding women or some shit. Barf.

Stop passing off speculation as fact! I still pray none of my favourite actors never get associated with these films! And I’ve seen latersbaby.net throw Emma Stone’s name around for the role of Ana, are you kidding me? And I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: any of you punk kids search my WordPress again with the terms ‘aidan turner as christian grey’ one more time and I’ll tell your mother/closest guardian, understand?

There has been an increase in the sales of silver balls and other sex toys.  Or you could just go to a Fifty Shades of Grey party/demonstration event.

How is this an example of a comment you read? It just feels more like a random statement. Meh.

Christian’s don’t think Christians should be reading the books, something about it being against the bible.  Of course the most ardent supporters of not reading it are the ones who haven’t read it.

I’ve read probably about a handful of statements from conservatives saying that these books are nothing but filth, but that’s in the minority. This feels too generalised a statement to make, unless those chicks at latersbaby.net read that article by Katie Roiphe about how women secretly yearn to be submissive and sexually repressed.

Riveting stuff, that (but not really). Read these two critiques on Roiphe’s article by some Feminist ‘haters’ instead.

Also, according to Newsweek, these are the naughtiest bits of Fifty Shades  of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed. About as naughty as Parliament Question Time.

Fifty Shades of Grey is about a sex slave.  Huh?

Well, Christian does force Ana into a relationship she has no idea about and gives her an unenforceable document to force her into signing with a lot of legalese and admits that he is aware that it cannot be enforced but never actually bothered to tell her that. Plus, Christian seems more interested in meeting his needs in the relationship, whether it means obtaining  Ana’s consent or not and just wearing her down if she says no. So you tell me, latersbaby.net, does it?

Libraries are confused.  Some are banning, others have long wait lists and are ordering more books.

Have heard the same thing, too. I don’t believe in blanket censorship like that, but I’m definitely for banning these books if it means saving the reading public from mediocrity and bad sex, as well as saving one of the last bastions of education and wonder in society.

Kristen Stewart heard about the books from Robert Pattinson, is interested in reading it, but isn’t admitting to reading it.  She’s also not commenting on playing Ana.

I can’t stand either RPatz or KStew and find them to be quite moody and insufferable, but I can see why they wouldn’t want to be associated with this crap or be seen reading it, especially when it was inspired by the very movie franchise that has forever owned their miserable souls typecasted them.

Some news outlets are posting so much about Fifty Shades of Grey that the readers are getting sick of it,

True, in a way, it’s just another trend that’s been rammed down our throats ad nauseam. Fifty Shades is like the Gangnam Style of literature: it’ll pass.

and think they’re just trying to drive new traffic to their site.

I detest that! What else would a filthy ‘hater’ like me complain about? (Y’know, because you think I have no life outside of my hating and my opinions are too ‘negative’ and I just need a Christian Grey in my life, to which I politely say ‘fuck off and die so you can just leave me alone with my 10,000 cats and hand-knitted jumpers because I’ll perish alone’).

A lot of time is spent trying to figure out why woman like the book – the sex, we’re feeling less repressed, we’re feeling empowered, escapism, we want to be controlled by men.  The reasons go on and on.  In the end, they’re all trying to figure out what makes us tick so they can figure out what the next big thing will be.

Translated: Stop being such big meanies and let us just dream about how hawt Christian Grey is, you all are being negative and Feminist anyway, why can’t all reviews just be NICE!!!!!’



2 thoughts on “A Sporking of the Synopsis of the News About Fifty Shades on a Fansite

  1. You’ll notice there are no links in this post that I wrote, because it’s a synopsis of the news that doesn’t deserve or need to be linked to. After reading the same information in several articles does it matter who posted it, especially since I’m not encouraging others to read it? Since it’s a site for fans, I don’t need to give balanced news. I can write whatever I want, just as you are welcome to pick on my below copy-writer grammar skills.

    As for my parents. There was a formatting issue when I converted the site. My parents have a 7 years age difference. It’s Christian who has a Playroom that Ana calls the Red Room of Pain. Thanks for pointing this out so I could fix the issue.

    I did find an error in your post though:

    “But ironically another article analyzed the writing and found it was an 89% copy of Twilight.

    What she’s referring to is this link. And it wasn’t a copy of Twilight they analysed, you clod, it was a copy of the Master of the Universe fanfic the Fifty Shades series is based off that James barely made any changes to and was a fanfic about Edward and Bella and other assorted characters from the Twilight series James did a ‘find-and-replace’ on the names of.”

    Could you please provide the link to the article you think I read? I’m wondering if you read the same article as me as I’m sure you’re not psychic and I didn’t provide a link…

    • Okay, I apologise for getting a little nitpicky about grammar, that was a bit much. Still, it’d be nice to know where the comments came from out of curiosity and maybe providing a link or two would have been interesting. I know your site is a fansite, but at least from time to time It’d be interesting to have your opinions on some of the negative reviews you’ve seen. Hell, I’d even let you spork one of my posts for the fun of it just like I did this one! :D

      I apologise, I didn’t know about the formatting issue about that line, so I’ll fix up what I wrote in turn.

      Thanks for pointing out the error! Actually, I’ve had people point out errors in my posts before, so I’m happy when people do because, as you can tell, I get nitpicky with my minor mistakes, so I’ll be fixing it up. But I deserved that :P I admit it, I type too fast to notice sometimes.

      Crap, I forgot to find that link! Thanks for reminding me also. Will also be fixed.

      Look, I know we’re on two different sides on the fence with these books. I admit, I am a fan of insult comedy and sarcasm when I write sporkings like this, but, as with most things in life I can’t help but joke about it. That’s the grand tradition of sporking, joking about the subject matter but explaining why you’re not a big fan of that fandom in the first place. I’ve seen some pretty brutal sporkings in my time, so I try not to go too overboard. Maybe in a couple of regards here, I did. It’s not a personal attack against you, though.

      I think the other reason why I spork articles relating to Fifty Shades is because I really don’t like the views and themes it espouses. I don’t like the way Christian treats Ana or women overall in these books. I really do think there is a total misunderstanding of BDSM and there are points in the series where you can totally pick out what scenes were inspired by Twilight leading to ethical issues in the pulled-to-published fanfic debate. I spork because I don’t like how the media is trying to ram this series constantly down our throats, thinking erotica is somehow this new and magical trend that came out of nowhere when it’s been around for decades while trying to reinforce this idea that women liking erotica is some cute little novelty because women shouldn’t be reading about sex, how absurd! It also pisses me off that the Fifty Shades series really does have some serious grammatical errors I can’t believe weren’t picked up while proofreading, as well as inconsistencies in plot and character that need to be address (Which is why I quote from the books to make my point).

      It also frightens me how some people actually buy into the ideal of their very own Christian Grey despite overt references to his aggression, his anger, his stalking tendencies and his narcissism and manipulation of those around him because, hey, he’s rich and attractive, he’s allowed to break basic societal rules. It really scares me that many women can not or will not choose to see it. C’mon, he tapped her phone and keeps her personal info in a dossier, how is that not invading her privacy?

      Look, I know neither of us is going to convince the other about Fifty Shades, so let’s agree to disagree. But you can write whatever you want on your site and I’ll write what I want on mine. Thanks for your comment and I hope you don’t think I was personally offending you in any way, at the end of the day I just want to criticise Fifty Shades in a stupid and funny manner. Good luck with your page and thanks for your comment! Come back anytime!

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